Sabotage

September 18, 2004 12:36 p.m.

Writing entries like the last one makes me nervous. I get in this gung ho mood, and feel I can take on the world. After that feeling wears off, I wonder if I've just set myself up for failure by being so confident. But I was right about one thing - the old lifestyle is much safer.

I ordered a pizza and ate 4 slices.

It was within my points, but it wasn't what I had PLANNED to do. I sabotaged myself, got rid of that confident feeling, and went back to what was safe. Eating pizza til I was stuffed was not a good thing to do. But it did make me feel better.

This scares me so much. I don't want to fail this time - I really do want to succeed and become healthier. But I have this deep inner voice telling me I'm going to fail, and how easy it would be just to stop trying. And I listened. If I could kick myself, I would.

So I'm just going to keep on trucking. That's all I can do, and I have to be better prepared for that evil little voice inside. Slip ups are bound to happen. There are a ton of things I could have done differently, but I didn't do a one of them.

What I DID manage to do?

Stop at 4 slices when I could have eaten twice that.

Small changes bring on big differences. Eventually.

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