Never thought THIS would happen

January 05, 2005 3:01 p.m.

We got DH's results back last night. His leukemia has returned, and he's going to have to have a bone marrow transplant.

At Stanford University Hospital. Over 3 hours from home.

He'll be there for who knows how long. It will depend on when they find a match. His brothers will be getting tested sometime this coming week, and we'll know more then. Even if one of them is a match, he's going to be there at least 1-3 months or so.

Because he's leukopenic, he can't have any children visiting him. Which means our kids won't be able to see their daddy for a while. The baby is young enough it won't bother him - but I worry about the 3 year old. He's already asking me when daddy is coming home - telling me he wants his daddy. This is even harder on DH.

Oddly enough, I haven't gone off program. If anything, I've been doing BETTER. The thought in my head is to just give up, there's no point. But I just don't want to. I started this so that I would be healthy for my kids, and that's what I intend to do. I'm probably going to switch to Saturday meeting so I can at least stay for a few here and there, but I AM NOT QUITTING. I can't. Maybe if I weighed 160 lbs or whatever, and this was more of a vanity issue than a health issue, but I have to do this.

I still feel guilty about it though. Meaning, why am I being so damn selfish by doing this for ME when DH is so sick? What right do I have to even consider myself at a time like this? I know DH doesn't want me to give up, but that knowledge doesn't help. I still feel bad about it all.

I'm going to do my best to be upbeat and positive. DH deserves that much, and so do my kids. I swear not every entry will start with something depressing. I've always been a pretty optimistic person.

Don't let no one get you down... if they do, I'll be around.

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